May the New Year Bring Good Fortune and May I tell the Truth

I am Priya, 25

and I am writing to you in the dark. There's no perfection here as I can hardly see the lines, but I think that'll help me be free. Y'know, with my thoughts, my desires, my unexplored ideas. I've been feeling many things lately. Many of which are humbling and hard to face. Things that I'd rather bury than let light hit.

These last few years have moved me in great ways, the best way I can describe it is the separating of Pangaea. Ripping seams and tearing apart my already established ecosystems. Every bias is bubbling and being stripped, but it also is misunderstanding and flashing danger codes saying "please don't change/ stay agreeable/ stay perfect/ don't you love being perfect?"

My dream is to be an Angel one day.

I'm not sure what it entails, but I'd still like to be one. But I'm not perfect. And I don't say this dream outloud-- it is still my dream. I also have human wants. I want to be understood. I want to be loved. I want to keep everyone in my life (untouched, unchanged). I want time to myself. I want to be seen. I want to be an amazing teacher. I want to live outside of anger. I want to experience all human emotion. I want to eat everything. I want to consume nothing. I want to be untouched by time. I want to experience age. I want to know my grandparents. I want to know and be known by my parents. I want to be there as Aashiriya grows up. I want to live all over the globe. I want to be near my friends and laugh and love together. I want to listen to music I like. I want to be unburdened. I want to love.*

Every desire a contradiction, though my tongue and mind detect as full truths. Each hurts and simultaneously breathes life. Breathes my life. Maybe it just describes the human experience. 

the meaning of life is about you giving life meaning.

I love living. God, it is so hard sometimes.

Being human is to be range. Carrying judgment, stigma, perception, narrative, gender, intentions, ambiguity, connection, fragility-- in all connotations with the inclusion of their antonyms. Yet still I want to harness and control; even when I know the one thing that is truly free and unsubjectable (invulnerable) is the combination that is fate and time. It is much like the wind. I can only map where it has gone before and make predictions for where it may take my sails with every decision. I am usually wrong about the destination, but I am usually happy in the end.

/

*I want to say everything in one moment. I want to know no pain. I want grace when I hurt others. I want to listen to others deeply (their pain/grand illusions/their passions). I want to be followed like every word I utter is candy upon a trail, like a promise at the end of a rainbow. I want to see the world and listen to its secrets. I want the world to hold my secrets and tell me I am perfect. I want my life to mean something. I want to control perception. I want to let go. I want to own nothing. I want to be possessive. I want to be everything.