"There are two ways to be passionate about work: as a coping mechanism or as a delusion. Any attempt in any other way would fail.” -Kashif

Holds some uncomfortable truths for me. Questions being posed:

1. Do I have anything I love more than my job at any given time?
2. Am I delusional, or am I coping by throwing myself into work? Has/can my work become play? Is that okay?

This is such a weird read. Kashif explains there are 2 ways to bring upon [creation] and the [will to do so]. It’s either circumstantial, hard dealt hand, or it’s formed from true knowing yourself. He bluntly says, "This is the path of coping, and many geniuses and achievements have been made this way. The other way is knowing yourself. If you weren't fortunate enough to be bullied or beaten as a kid, or see death of your parents, or have bad breakups, knowing yourself is the only way." What an unapologetic way of getting your point across.

I am beginning to realize how often I sugarcoat my opinions, even if it’s just to myself. I have a fear of being wrong. It has governed my sense of self. I wasn’t always this way, I used to be very loud with my opinions and convicted in my thoughts. I have seen that there is living after being wrong. I’m not sure when my thoughts were no longer good enough to share. My first thought is the rapid change in politics in the last 8 years. Formative years for me, 16-24.  My second thought is that I had cancer from 16-18, and I’ve never deeply thought about how it affected me long term.

Damn, I don’t think about my time with cancer anymore. I used to think about it all the time. I’m 24 now and am now far removed. My good qualities blossomed in the hospital, but can't remember the last time I thought about the subconscious traps (as adversity provides). I am very proud of myself, my character grew to be resilient and kind. I'm lucky to feel good enough steadily. It’s a feature that is yearned for. When I look in the mirror, I am proud of the person I’ve created. I’ve created me in the most human sense. I’ve always walked in my personhood, even when I can’t put my finger on it, and felt content with myself. Now, I am a teacher, and sometimes I feel like the only way to get through the first initiation stages is to lie to myself that I am good. Evading imposter syndrome, faking it until I make it. I am building systems (non-tangible, all emotional navigation) to sustain me in the profession long term.

I have never been more frustrated in my life.

— Back to the cancer. I had amazing nurses. People who like me, my always playing music, my quirks (like throwing up at every given moment). And I loved them, they showed me how to love through the danger of loss. I bet they've been frustrated with me/the profession often. How do they do it? It felt like magic to me back then. There was only one nurse that I had a hard time with. It was the first and only time I asked for a nurse to be pulled off my rotation. I'm not sure of the reason anymore, but when I think about it, the feelings rise and I start to scowl. It makes me indifferent. Not liking others is the worst part of life, it takes a lot of energy. I know it'll happen to me in my career.

The pitfalls of living.
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“People procrastinate because of perfectionism. Perfectionism is a symptom of many underlying problems. Those need to be identified and fixed. I’ve written about the topic in detail here.”

Damn it. He wrote about me. It’s a mirror. 

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Finding myself is going to take a while.

AI: the “mirror” feeling, and I wonder if you see Kashif’s bluntness as a necessary confrontation?

Yes, he does it with goals in mind. I have been floundering for a while now, knowing there's more out there for me. The comfort zone has become a contentious place. I want to have conviction and confidence like I once had. There was purpose there. I have purpose now, but I feel narrow.

Right now, my best idea is to move and try things on my own. But that's a narrative [problem, obstacle, dilemma, ray-of-light, challenge] for another day.

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AI: how are you sitting with this idea of passion as coping versus delusion? It seems like that concept hit a particularly raw nerve. How do you think it shapes how you engage with your work or even how you frame your future?

It reminds me that I am not just what I produce in the world [bittersweet]. I am me. Sometimes I feel like a vessel who can love others abundantly and well, and I am good at things, so I share them. Kashif brought up a point, "If you feel mentally drained, you have other issues. Maybe you need to hit the gym or need a good relationship. Having a solid, healthy relationship is necessary. A side hustle is not. Your DNA knows that." It makes me think about how I feel fulfilled in my life in most ways. The pins that I'm still trying to nail are conviction in my thoughts (making my own opinion. I recently learned that it's hard for me to voice my opinion because though I believe in them, my talking points are mostly borrowed instead of personally researched), romantic relationships (I've never met someone I'd like to date, so I haven't. Idk how much of that is truth or self-preservation), and dealing with perfectionism. So saying that my job, my passion (teaching), is either delusional grandeur or coping feels harsh but also shines a light.
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Stand-alone thought:

I don't feel loud enough, but also I feel very loud-- so loud it's deafening. Or maybe it's at a dog whistle frequency.

Mixing procrastination with political stagnancy.

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“well-rounded overachiever”